Forbearance ~ Greg J

9/8/2024

Forbearance. That's a word I rarely hear in church—or anywhere. Forgiveness gets the spotlight.

To best understand forbearance, let me jabber first about a quarrel regarding forgiveness.

Part 1: Forgiveness as a Reflex

A long time ago someone asked me what “forgiveness” means to me. I offered the following simplistic definitions:

Forgiveness means giving up my right to punish, resent, or recover something taken from me.
Forgiveness is not claiming justice that I feel is due me.

The something could be a spot on the exit lane, my chocolate-chip cookie, my wallet, my reputation. There's a debt owed to me, at least an apology. Then instead of reacting with retribution, angry words, or silent bitterness, I respond with kindness.

Prompt forgiveness is in my interest!

“Forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And do not lead us into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For if you forgive other people for their offenses,
your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
But if you do not forgive other people,
then your Father will not forgive your offenses.”
Matthew 6:11-15

Forgiveness is good for the forgiver. Anne Lamott and others have observed: “Not forgiving is like drinking rat poison, and then waiting around for the rat to die.”

I gather from Jesus’ frequent teaching about love, that reflexive forgiveness comes with the whole unconditional love package. Consider his directives from Luke chapter 6:

“I say to you who are listening:

Love your enemies!
Do good to those who hate you!
Bless those who curse you!
Pray for those who are cruel to you!

If anyone slaps you on one cheek,
offer him the other cheek, too.

If someone takes your coat,
do not stop him from taking your shirt.

Give to everyone who asks you,
and when someone takes something that is yours,
don’t ask for it back.

Do to others what you would want them to do to you.

If you love only the people who love you,
what praise should you get?
Even sinners love the people who love them.

If you do good only to those who do good to you,
what praise should you get?
Even sinners do that!

If you lend things to people,
always hoping to get something back,
what praise should you get?
Even sinners lend to other sinners
so that they can get back the same amount!

But love your enemies, do good to them,
and lend to them without hoping to get anything back.
Then you will have a great reward,
and you will be children of the Most High God,
because he is kind even to people who are ungrateful
and full of sin.

Show mercy, just as your Father shows mercy.

Don’t judge others, and you will not be judged.
Don’t accuse others of being guilty,
and you will not be accused of being guilty.

Forgive, and you will be forgiven.”

Tough Questions:

What is forgiveness to you?
Which do you forgive quicker? An oversight, a verbal insult, or someone stealing your car?
Do you accumulate offenses so you can drop them as one package on the offender?
If you are an instructor or parent, how do you handle disrespect?
Does forgiveness require confrontation when possible?
So someone stabs me. Within seconds, I die, angry but too surprised to forgive. Am I bound for hell?

Part 2: Forgiveness as a Procedure

Later I found that some Christians say that my reflexive forgiveness is wrong for all concerned. They say, the Perfect Pattern is this: Do not forgive until the offending party has repented!

“If your fellow believer sins,
go and tell him in private what he did wrong.

If he listens to you,
you have helped that person to be your brother or sister again.

But if he refuses to listen, go to him again
and take one or two others with you.
‘Every case may be proved
by two or three witnesses.’

If he refuses to listen to them, tell the church.
If he refuses to listen to the church,
then treat him like a person who
does not believe in God or like a tax collector.

Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.”
Matthew 18:15-20

‘Every case may be proved by two or three witnesses.'

An example of this sequence (offense, repentance, then forgiveness) turned up in the Corinth church. The church shunned the offender so thoroughly that Paul had to tell the church, effectively:

The offender has repented! Enough already! Forgive!

See 1 Corinthians 5 and 2 Corinthians 2 for the two-part story. The above Matthew 18:15-20 procedure segues to Matthew 18:21-25, the story of the Unforgiving Servant, where I find out what happens if I fail to forgive.

Jesus could forgive any way he wanted. Yet on the cross, Jesus prayed, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Stephen, likewise:

And as they were stoning Stephen, he called out,
“Lord Jesus, receive my spirit.”
And falling to his knees he cried out with a loud voice,
“Lord, do not hold this sin against them.”
And when he had said this, he fell asleep.
Acts 7:59-60

A bystander at Stephen's stoning much later had this to say:

Repay no one evil for evil,
but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all.
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Beloved, never avenge yourselves,
but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written,
“Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”
Paul, in Romans 12, referencing Deuteronomy 32

Part 3: Forbearance

I still prefer my simple, reflexive forgiveness, but I've come to think one click forgiveness is not always appropriate. It lets me move on and generally is a benefit to me. However, I see value in some confrontation. Can I confront the jerk who cut me off on the highway? Best not! Ought I try to ask productive questions of a friend who offends me? Sure. That's work. That's risky. It takes courage, sensitivity, and practice. I continue to learn. When words have first presented in my mind as a reproach, rephrasing as a question can smooth the way to reconciliation. "Why did you eat the last cookie?" Is silent patience sometimes best?

There’s a word for how I reconcile instant forgiveness versus due process. I do... forbearance.

“Forbear!” is an antique British word replaced these days by “be patient!” Forbearance is not coping. Forbearance is not ignoring an offense. Forbearance is patiently loving. Forbearance is deferring all retribution to God. Practice with your chin raised saying, “I forbear ye, knave!” Better, practice thinking, “Love bears all things.”

On his gravestone William Shakespeare requested visitors to forbear in the sense of “have mercy”:

"Good friend, for Jesus' sake forbear, To dig the dust enclosed here. Blest be the man that spares these stones, And cursed be he that moves my bones."

“The quality of mercy is not strained;
It droppeth as the gentle rain from heaven
Upon the place beneath. It is twice blest;
It blesseth him that gives and him that takes...”
Shakespeare, The Merchant of Venice

“Forbear to judge, for we are sinners all.”
Shakespeare, Henry VI, Part 2.

In law, “forbearance” is postponing a legal right. A lender could forbear payment of a debt.

Forbearance is more nuanced than either reflexively forgiving or reflexively demanding repentance.

My usual pronouncement in charitable giving, certainly to other believers, is “no quid pro quo”, no this for that: reflexive forgiveness. But as a Walmart customer, I expect this for that! As a teacher, I specify certain performance for a grade and specify behavior to avoid the principal's office.

If discernment is required for one-to-one problems, how much more when I am just one victim of many? Ought I ignore offenses against another person? Or crimes with unknown perps? Or “victimless” sin? Or offenses to God? Jesus cleared the temple.

I pray that the Lord will bless the offending party with insight, remorse, and repentance. But quite as important, I pray, “Heavenly Father, you have toward each of us love, discernment, and patience. May we each grow in love, discernment, and patience."

A deciding factor for me is that, Jesus and the New Testament writers urge me to love unilaterally, provided that love is not just compassionate feelings, but also doing kindness, perhaps sacrificial action. See Matthew 5:44-48, Luke 6:27-38. That rather simplifies the procedural calculus: Step 1: Love. Step 2: There is no step 2.

The ASV and RSV are the English Bible translations with most use of “forbear”. Here is a comparison. (For mobile viewing of this comparison, rotate to landscape view.) Here is one of the passages and versions that mentions "forbearance". What is a result of forbearance?

I entreat Eu-o′dia and I entreat Syn′tyche
to agree in the Lord.
And I ask you also, true yokefellow,
help these women,
for they have labored side by side with me
in the gospel
together with Clement
and the rest of my fellow workers,
whose names are in the book of life.

Rejoice in the Lord always;
again I will say, Rejoice!
Let all men know your forbearance.
The Lord is at hand.
Have no anxiety about anything,
but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving
let your requests be made known to God.
And the peace of God, which passes all understanding,
will keep your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

We come in peace. Live long and forbear.

Footnote 1:
Forbear is a verb meaning to mercifully delay justice.
Furbearer is a noun applying to hairy animals such as those above.
Forebear—note the additional “e”—is a noun, meaning ancestor. It comes from “fore-be-er”.
Can you spot the three forebears in the following image?

Footnote 2:
Before Jesus’ time, Jewish leaders legislated that proper repentance has several steps: recognition, regret, confession before the aggrieved with a vow not to repeat the misdeed, and restitution when appropriate.
If confession was repeated three times—preferably before witnesses—then the offender was no longer accountable morally for that incident. If the victim had not forgiven at that point, the original offender was off the hook and the cosmic debt of moral condemnation transferred to the original victim!
Anyone could be forgiven three times for a simple offense. (Is that nine repentances?) Offense #4 indicated that these previous repentances were bogus. Subsequent offenses need not be forgiven. Such repeat offenders faced judicial or community penalty
These rules also specified that no one can forgive someone else’s loss. The family or friends of a murder victim must not forgive the murderer! They can demand repentance for the anguish the murder caused them and could forgive that. Punishment for murder simply fell under the eye for an eye standard.
The notions of three confessions and three offenses as God’s limits comes from a stretched reading of Amos chapters 1-2. Also, in Genesis 50:17 in Hebrew the brothers beg Joseph for forgiveness, saying "please" three times. Not all Jews agree with this guidline, citing for example, “the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end.” (Lamentations 3:22). Of course breaking the Sabbath is among the offenses that only God can forgive. Regardless of repentance, the penalty for Sabbath-breaking was death. Temple Judaism is past, so today a truly repentant person will pray more on Yom Kippur and simply do better.

Footnote 3:
In Matthew 18 Peter probably thought he was generous to forgive seven times. Maybe Peter thought, that's more than twice the patience the Pharisees require. Jesus will be impressed. Knowing Peter, Peter likely hoped that on offense #8 he could pound the offender. But what did Jesus say? “Oh, Peter. Just seven times? Seventy-seven times is better! Let me tell you a story...”
Later, in John 21, Jesus walks Peter through three repentance statements. These can be seen as corresponding to Peter’s three denials. Also: three confessions adhered to Talmudic custom mentioned above, probably making Peter feel really forgiven.

Footnote 4:
In Luke 5, the Pharisees gasped, “Who can forgive sins but God alone?” even though Jesus does not say, “I forgive your sins.” Luke uses a passive Greek verb: “Man, your sins are forgiven,” apheōntai; Matthew 9 and Mark 2, likewise. I'm not sure how this would go in Aramaic or Hebrew. Of course, Jesus then dramatically commands: "But that you may know that the Son of Man has authority on earth to forgive sins”—he said to the man who was paralyzed—“I say to you, rise, pick up your bed and go home!”

Footnote 5:
Yes, Jesus and Stephen said in effect, “May God forgive you." Coming from me, such a deferral could be heard as poorly-veiled sarcasm implying, “But I do NOT forgive you!" Holy insults are a southern US practice that slightly cushion a criticism or slam: "He's dumb as a bag of hammers, God love him." "That was one, um, one chewy peach pie, bless your heart." Until convinced otherwise, when I say simply, "I forgive you," I will mean it.

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